THE NINJA ASSASSIN HIT LIST
By: Chris Lobkovich
Installment #1
Greetings! The Green Army Blog Master has been foolish enough to give me a public forum to voice my opinions about the soccer world, so I’m going to take full advantage of it before he changes his mind and decides to stop publishing my entries!
My first target, or four targets as it is, has bothered me for quite some time. I am of course referring to the four mascots of the Colorado Rapids of MLS, Edson the Eagle, Marco Van Bison, Jorge el Mapache and Franz the Fox.
Really, Colorado?
Do we need FOUR mascots?
I’d settle for a solid full back and two mascots. These are tough economic times and perhaps the money spent paying the wages of high school flunkies who couldn’t make the cheerleading squad could be better spent on the pitch trying to improve the level of play. Not to mention that if you were to look at the attendance records at Dicks Sporting Good Park, we have a higher mascot to fan ratio than any other sports franchise in the world. It’s ridiculous.
They’re not even cool NBA style mascots that can do acrobatic stunts to entertain us at halftime, or jaded major league baseball mascots that thrive on taunting opposing team’s fans into fits of rage about cheering for their crappy teams. They are just a waste of costume material that could have been better used making super hero costumes at Halloween for needy children.
And it sends a bad message to our children who need to learn to avoid small, rabies carrying wild animals. I mean, sure, Franz the Fox is cute, but the little fox that killed my neighbor’s cat in the back yard….. Not so cute. And not something the children of Colorado should adore and want their pictures taken with. Not to mention the fact that they simply distract attention from the game. The game that you have paid top dollar to watch.
So now, I’m sure you’re all asking “Ninja Assassin, how do we solve our over abundance of mascots problem?”
It’s quite simple.
Thunderdome.
That’s right. Four mascots enter. One mascot leaves.
Editors Note – The opinions expressed in this blog entry, no matter how right they are, are those solely of the Ninja Assassin and not of anybody else in the world.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:16 am
“I mean, sure, Franz the Fox is cute, but the little fox that killed my neighbor’s cat in the back yard….. Not so cute.”
Hilarious!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:26 am
Oh, and one other scary piece of information I came across while writing this post, there are actually a couple of real thunderdomes out there where they have fights on the weekends. It did not appear that these fights were to the death, but it’s still disturbing.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:33 pm
very disturbing! Welcome the the GREEN ARMY Blogosphere NA. Great article.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 am
What a boring blog, who gave this guy a job?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
A friend of mine runs half-time entertainment for the Rapids and Avs. Last season my friend asked me if I wanted to take a penalty kick during half-time against ONE of the four ridiculous mascots. Wearing sandals I went out to take my kick and as it turns out all four doushey mascots were in the goal. I ripped my shot and took the post…. i would have won a Rapids jersey signed by the whole team. I say we jump three of them before the next game and steal their costumes…bonfire at my house!!!!
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I agree… let’s take ‘em down!
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Spot on, Chris. These mascots are pathetic. They can’t even run properly. Hence the name of my blog, http://www.wewantrapidman.blogspot.com. At least Rapidman had character, attitude and scary glasses. I have media access to the Rapids team. If you’d like to put my link on your blogroll, I’ll add yours to mine. Thanks, very funny article.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
On a side note: Jozy Altidore is my hero…we’ll be riding him on the national team for the next 10 years
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I agree. Jozy, Micheal Bradley, Jose Torres may just take this team to new heights in the next decade.I’m excited about our potential.
March 30th, 2011 at 6:46 pm
Hello,
Just wanted to introduce myself.. Im Sean… glad to be here! Does anyone have any recommendations / advice on using this site?