NINJA ASSASSIN HIT LIST: Installment #5
By: Chris Lobkovich
Alright Green Army faithful…. I’m back! And I’ve got an entire page of notes of worthy subjects for ridicule. But, with all this banter on the blog about the depth of the Men’s National Team and all the buzz starting about the upcoming Gold Cup and World Cup going about, I thought I’d write about the sad state of professional and national team soccer here in the states. Now, I can hear the bitching and the arguments already…. And that is exactly what I want to hear, however, my point is a simple one.
We will never field a truly top class competitive national team while our best athletes are playing other sports.
There. I said it. While there are many great soccer players that come from the United States and many who play in the some of the most competitive leagues around the world, the quality of the athletes who end up playing soccer is inferior to the quality of athletes that end up playing other sports here the United States. Our strongest, fastest, tallest and most agile are being scooped up at young ages to play basketball, football and a plethora of other high paying professional sports. And unfortunately in our society, until kids (and their parents) start seeing soccer players pulling in big time endorsement deals and arriving at stadiums in super exotic high dollar autos, our best athletes are going to get pushed to where they can make the most money. Now I’m not saying that the big name athletes right now don’t love the sports they have chosen to dedicate their lives too, but I don’t see emulating Clint Dempsey at pickup games like I see them pretending to be Michael Jordan.
So now I know all of you are asking yourselves “Ninja Assassin, how do we fix this?” Well, it’s quite simple really. I’ve compiled a list of current athletes that we will kidnap and hold against their will while they are brain washed and reconditioned to be soccer players. I figure, if we get started as soon as the NBA playoffs are over, we could have a super team assembled and ready to go by the time World Cup 2010 comes around.
So, without further delay, the top five American athletes that should play soccer instead of whatever lame professional sport they’ve chosen.
1. Lebron James:
King James!!!! When he isn’t destroying people on the court he is hugging babies. What is there not to like about this guy? He would be the US version of Kaka: tall, talented, well spoken, and a decent human being. He would be our answer to that second forward position. His ability to create as well as finish will truly make him the American embodiment of Kaka.
2. Michael Phelps
Michael Phelps was my hero until I saw this picture. What a shame. There is no way I can root for a guy that can’t even clear a bong load. SUCK IT UP PUSSY!!!! Anyways, drugs and greatness sometimes go hand in hand. Phelps could have been another member of our long tradition of world class keepers. The guys stands 6’4 inches tall and has a 6’7 wingspan. Yeah his arms are longer than he is tall. This knuckle dragging freak show would dominate between the posts.
3. Kobe Bryant
When Kobe Bryant isn’t raping white girls, he is on the court raping other teams. The man likes to grab the game by neck and ram it into submission. I think his greatest accomplishment, though, was proving once and for all that money does buy forgiveness. Kobe could have been the American Maradona. One of the greatest to ever play the game and could get away with murder. His skill, creativity, and dominating athleticism would have propelled his name among the greats.
4. Ladainian Tomlinson
Just imagine that is Raphael Marquez in that NY uniform. LT would be the first real American winger. He would be Cristiano Ronaldo with testicles. You would never see LT take a dive or pass the ball for that matter. His agility, power, and pace would make him a one man wrecking crew up the flanks.
5. Allen Iverson
Allen Iverson has the skill, speed, and grace of Robinho with the criminal record of Joey Barton. He would be our go to striker and tabloid sensation. Iverson is known for being a one man show and a complete cancer to any team. Sounds like a perfect fit for LA Galaxy.
So what do you guys think? I’d like to get some feedback from you guys on this. Not so much on the specific athletes that I’ve listed, but on the current state of and quality of the athletes that are currently playing US soccer.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I think you’re overestimating the abilities of basketball players as translated to the pitch. Really tall players in soccer typically play defense (including keeper) or are “niche” strikers like Peter Crouch or that Czech guy.
I’ll vouch for a football player any day of the week over most backetball players, although I will concede AI, Steve Nash – the 6’0 playmaker type. But imagine Reggie Bush, Michael Vick making runs up the middle like Samuel Eto’o. Imagine someone with the vision of Manning or Montana directing traffic from the midfield.
Imagine every linebacker in the league, minus about 50 pounds of muscle, playing that holding midfielder role.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
LOL, very nice article. I think the problem lies more in the way the US handles their scouting and recruiting. Throughout the years there have been many questionable picks for starters, Lalas would be one of the worst that comes to mind. I’m sorry but big red curly hair although offensive and scary will not intimidate the best players in the world. It’s my HO that they’ve always relied too much on finding the best D1 college talent and now MLS players. I just find it hard to believe that of all the soccer being played in the US that the majority of crap we have fielded is actually the best we have. There are tons of HUGE summer tournaments throughout the country being played every year with club teams that have been established for a long time. Go out and scout them and don’t be influenced by just the big name teams and players. I really think there is quality out there but is just over looked for whatever reason.
May 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Admin-EmFutbol Says: Those pics are awesome! Phelps showing the love to the glass god. And I LOVE THAT IVERSON photo! Classic!
I agree with both previous posters that I’m not sure the issue is having the best athletes, but it sure makes for a good NA hit-list post. For example, I don’t think that Zidane or messi are necessarily the best atheletes in the world, but they are the best soccer players. If it was about the best atheletes, we should get Cheick Kongo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheick_Kongo) out there running Rampage over fools. I think it has more to do with player development.
May 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
So… I think you guys are missing the point. I agree that with soccer it is all about development. What I’m saying is the best atheletes are chosing other sports to develop in. Zidane, for example, would have been exceptional at any sport that he chose to play because he was a very gifted athlete. Same with most other top flight athletes. What I’m saying is that here in the states, the truly gifted kids (athletically) are getting pushed to play sports that are more financially rewarding from a very young age.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I guess I’ll chime in on the subject.
1. I’m going to vouche for basketball players as being amazing athletes. Lets be real though, not all the best athletes play basketball. Yao Ming is a turd but he is a professional athlete. I think that is why the Ninja Assassin got it right with his choices of Kobe, Iverson, and James. Steve Nash would have been a great player but he’s Canadian and we don’t to help the enemy. Kobe is tall but he has a soccer background and is likely to transfer his skills to soccer without much difficulty. AI would be in the same boat as Kobe, just a superior athlete who would have been good at any sport he played. Lebron is the wild card, but if he can translate his basketball success to the soccer pitch i wouldn’t mind having the guy on the field.
2. US scouting is vastly improved from the days when we only relied on recruiting from top D1 programs. The youth scouting system is light years beyond what it used to be and is producing some of the best young talent this country has ever seen. With the new academy system, residency, partnerships with Disney and Nike, the increased European interest in our young players there is tons of opportunities for young players to be seen these days. Some players do go unnoticed, which means the system isn’t perfect, but it is a far from only scouting MLS and D1 programs.
3. Cheick Kongo . . . he isn’t even that good at MMA. This is how the math works. Soccer is a sport, sports are for athletes, good athletes will be better at sports. Therefore, the better our athletes are the better soccer players we will have. So in the end it is an issue of having the best athletes. But not just athletes, which is how we used to think. The trick is to have good athletes that can play soccer. I guess it comes down to your interpretation of what a good athlete is. If you think a good athlete runs like Usane Bolt and jumps like Dwight Howard then Zidane is not one of the best athletes in the world. I think Messi is one of the best athletes in the world, regardless of your standards. But if you consider Tiger Woods an amazing athlete (which I do) or a guy like Michael Schumacher then you have a different standard. I think we confuse great athletes with great athleticism. Being a great athlete requires much more than just being blessed with good genetics.
4. Finally, the best athletes in the country are playing soccer. Hate to break the news to everyone. I’m sure if you told Landon or Marvell Wynne they weren’t some of the best athletes in the country they would kick you in the balls. There are amazing athletes in MLS and representing the US in other countries. So lets not minimize the players we have by saying they aren’t as good athletically as the mainstream sports athletes.
Hmm . . . . I think that’s everyone.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Man my nigga dont call niggas pussys just cuz you have one lmao
March 17th, 2010 at 10:50 am
That’s about the only way a US forward can gets passed Rafael (raphael) Marquez, by shoving him down.