By: Chris Lobkovich

Alright Green Army faithful…. I’m back!  And I’ve got an entire page of notes of worthy subjects for ridicule.  But, with all this banter on the blog about the depth of the Men’s National Team and all the buzz starting about the upcoming Gold Cup and World Cup going about, I thought I’d write about the sad state of professional and national team soccer here in the states.  Now, I can hear the bitching and the arguments already….  And that is exactly what I want to hear, however, my point is a simple one.

We will never field a truly top class competitive national team while our best athletes are playing other sports.

There.  I said it.  While there are many great soccer players that come from the United States and many who play in the some of the most competitive leagues around the world, the quality of the athletes who end up playing soccer is inferior to the quality of athletes that end up playing other sports here the United States.  Our strongest, fastest, tallest and most agile are being scooped up at young ages to play basketball, football and a plethora of other high paying professional sports.  And unfortunately in our society, until kids (and their parents) start seeing soccer players pulling in big time endorsement deals and arriving at stadiums in super exotic high dollar autos, our best athletes are going to get pushed to where they can make the most money.  Now I’m not saying that the big name athletes right now don’t love the sports they have chosen to dedicate their lives too, but I don’t see emulating Clint Dempsey at pickup games like I see them pretending to be Michael Jordan.

So now I know all of you are asking yourselves “Ninja Assassin, how do we fix this?”  Well, it’s quite simple really.  I’ve compiled a list of current athletes that we will kidnap and hold against their will while they are brain washed and reconditioned to be soccer players.  I figure, if we get started as soon as the NBA playoffs are over, we could have a super team assembled and ready to go by the time World Cup 2010 comes around.

So, without further delay, the top five American athletes that should play soccer instead of whatever lame professional sport they’ve chosen.

1.        Lebron James:

King James!!!! When he isn’t destroying people on the court he is hugging babies. What is there not to like about this guy?  He would be the US version of Kaka: tall, talented, well spoken, and a decent human being.  He would be our answer to that second forward position.  His ability to create as well as finish will truly make him the American embodiment of Kaka.

2.       Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps was my hero until I saw this picture.  What a shame. There is no way I can root for a guy that can’t even clear a bong load.  SUCK IT UP PUSSY!!!!  Anyways, drugs and greatness sometimes go hand in hand.  Phelps could have been another member of our long tradition of world class keepers. The guys stands 6’4 inches tall and has a 6’7 wingspan.  Yeah his arms are longer than he is tall. This knuckle dragging freak show would dominate between the posts.

3.       Kobe Bryant

When Kobe Bryant isn’t raping white girls, he is on the court raping other teams.  The man likes to grab the game by neck and ram it into submission.  I think his greatest accomplishment, though, was proving once and for all that money does buy forgiveness.  Kobe could have been the American Maradona.  One of the greatest to ever play the game and could get away with murder. His skill, creativity, and dominating athleticism would have propelled his name among the greats.

4.       Ladainian Tomlinson

Just imagine that is Raphael Marquez in that NY uniform.  LT would be the first real American winger.  He would be Cristiano Ronaldo with testicles.  You would never see LT take a dive or pass the ball for that matter.  His agility, power, and pace would make him a one man wrecking crew up the flanks.

5.       Allen Iverson

Allen Iverson has the skill, speed, and grace of Robinho with the criminal record of Joey Barton.  He would be our go to striker and tabloid sensation.  Iverson is known for being a one man show and a complete cancer to any team.  Sounds like a perfect fit for LA Galaxy.

So what do you guys think?  I’d like to get some feedback from you guys on this.  Not so much on the specific athletes that I’ve listed, but on the current state of and quality of the athletes that are currently playing US soccer.

by: Chris Lobkovich

This week, we are going to shift gears a little bit and not lay waste to something absurd in the soccer world.  Instead, I would like to comment on a special event that is happening this week.  That’s right.  I am of course talking about Eric Fulton, our fearless leader, becoming eligible to play in the old farts league.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUCKA!

That’s right, the big 3-0. Don’t feel bad, from what I understand, it happens to the best of us at some point!

And I would also like to take this opportunity, to bring to light and thank Eric for all the hard work he does running the club and providing us with such a fantastic environment to play soccer in.  I’d be willing to guess that in any given week Eric logs about twenty or so planning practices, recruiting players, talking shit about your MLS fantasy squad and all the other stuff that goes along with running the club.  It is no easy task keeping us bums in line!

Thanks for all your hard work and dedication and again,  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!